In an unprecedented move by the younger contingent of the map team, all of the twentysomethings bailed on today’s Mt. Sanitas hike/run/slog. A senior map team official, who granted an interview on the condition of anonymity, said the team had a variety of bad excuses for not completing the Sanitas run today.
“It’s pretty common to hear bad excuses from staffers outside of the GPS Fort,” the senior official said. “But to hear so many from the inside? Well, it’s just changed my whole perspective on the goals of this administration. I feel like we’re just giving lip service to the mountain at this point.”
In the past, the map team committed to climbing Mt. Sanitas every week and even took a page from the longtime postal service creed to claim that “rain nor sleet nor snow nor weak-ass excuses” would stop them from completing the run on a regular basis.
The senior map team official said she hopes the administration will soon hire a Sanitas Coordinator to serve as a demagogue for those who bailed.
“It is clear they need to be either tricked, taunted, or otherwise harassed into climbing this mountain,” the senior official said.
“The secret of this kind of climbing is like Zen. Don’t think. Just dance along. It’s the easiest thing in the world, actually easier than walking on flat ground which is monotonous. The cute little problems present themselves at each step and you find yourself on some other boulder you picked out for no special reason at all, just like Zen.”
While searching out the Louisiana Purchase in 1806 Zebulon Montgomery Pike, made a startling discovery: Mount Sanitas. After climbing to the top on November 14, Pike claimed, “There is no mountain as beautiful and majestic as this steep little bitch.”
The next day, Pike and crew hiked down the Front Range where a new mountain stood in his way. Pike, who had previously decided to name Mount Sanitas, ‘Mount Damn This Thing is Tough and of Yea It was Discovered by Me, Pike,’” changed his mind an instead called the new, less majestic geological feature Pikes Peak. Standing just over 14,000 ft. rumor has it that the new Pikes Peak is a bit more treacherous.
This has been great moments in Mount Sanitas History.
